literature

Angel in my Apartment part 3

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Angel in my Apartment part 3

I decided to do a little cleaning around the apartment whilst Uriel was in suspended animation, I then noticed that Uriel was facing the TV so I turned it on for her so she wouldn’t get bored just standing there with nothing going on. After I had finished cleaning I walked up and looked at her stone body, and thought “this kind of reminds me of a weeping angel from Doctor Who.” as I said that I noticed the stone was cracking and flaking, I panicked a bit but then heard Uriel inside saying, “why am I not surprised you are a Doctor Who fan?” I chuckled a bit and replied “you have to admit it is a great show.” Uriel tilted her head and said “to be honest I have never, ever watched it.” I gasped and said “that’s it! We are going to town and I am getting the series for us to watch!” at this point the rest of the stone had flaked off and evaporated in to nothingness and we left the apartment complex to head to town.

As we left the building I turned around and to my horror saw a pentagram with symbols burnt in to the building, I stumbled back a bit and Uriel looked and said “this isn’t good; when we get back I will have to call God and get this sorted out.” We then left and headed to town, once there we went straight to the video store and grabbed the first season of Doctor who (the one with Christopher Eccleston) and made our way back to my car, as we walked back I felt Uriel grab we and pulled me to the side, as she did I saw a load of scaffolding fall directly were I was standing, I was sat on the floor in shock when out of the corner of my eye I saw what appeared to be Mary, I turned my head to get a better look but when I did she had vanished. Uriel helped me up and said “are you ok Louise?!” I was trembling a bit at this point, but put on a brave face and said “I am fine, thanks to you Uriel.” We both hastily walked back to the car and made our way back to the apartment, on the way I mentioned to Uriel about seeing Mary just after being saved from being crushed by the scaffolding. She looked to me and said “she is really becoming dangerous; if this keeps up we may have to…” Uriel was interrupted by me slamming on the breaks just narrowly missing a truck that had sped through a red light.

Once we got back to the apartment Uriel picked up her cell phone and called God, they were talking on the phone for a while then Uriel turned to me and said “he wants to talk to you.” I gulped and thought to myself. “I’m dead…” I was handed the phone by Uriel and said “h-hello?” God then replied, “Hi Louise, you already know who this is so I will cut to the chase, in order for Uriel to regain her full power temporarily we need to do a few things, first the gate to heaven is going to need to move to your apartment, and you will need to become a one winged angel.” At this point I stuttered in reply “a-a one winged a-angel? What is that?” God then replied “A one winged angel is a subordinate or servant to a normal angel, they are usually angels in training up in heaven, but in extremely rare circumstances a human may become one in order to help protect their designated area.” I was blown back by this and said “wow, this is a lot of responsibility being thrown on my shoulders, can I just think it through for a second?” I heard Uriel walk behind me and placed her hand on my shoulder and said “I will give you as much support as possible Louise, I promise.” These words gave me the motivation to go through and I said “you know what God? I will! I will help Uriel through this as much as possible!” at this point Uriel sprouted her angel wings and covered me, I then felt a slight dizziness and as she moved her wings, I saw that we were not in my apartment anymore we walked up to this large and beautiful gilded desk where an old man was standing, Uriel walked up and said “Hey Peter, it’s been a long time hasn’t it?” Peter looked up and said “it sure has Uriel; God was here not long ago he wanted me to give you this.” He then handed a piece of paper and Uriel walked back to me and said “place your thumb on the X and the deal is done.” I looked at the paper and it was written in Latin, I knew the basics of my role and such and Uriel was an angel, I knew she wouldn’t let any harm come to me so I did as she said and soon after I felt a sharp burning pain on my left shoulder blade, I fell to the floor in agony and Uriel ran up and said “don’t worry Louise, that is just your wing setting in for the first time, it’s always painful, but I am here for you, just listen to my voice and you will be ok.” I did as she said and surely enough the pain wasn’t so bad from then on in, I could feel the wing on my back, I turned my head and saw it, it was beautiful and elegant, I could feel it as another part of my body, Uriel then embraced me and said “Louise I am so glad you chose this, as I said before I promise I will help you to the fullest.

Once we got back to the apartment I noticed a slight chill in the air, I asked Uriel what it was and she said “with there being a gateway in the apartment now you will feel this sensation now and then because of the spirits being escorted to heaven. Uriel then went on to explain what forms of magic I could use and what to do if I come across Mary again. She taught me some basic skills like teleporting, transforming and transferring power.

After a few hours of training and recovering we both went down to the outside of the building complex and Uriel began to cast a spell to remove the pentagram on the side of the apartment complex and make a anti demon barrier around the entire complex, as she did I tried to help by transferring my power to her to give her a small boost, but my power was only a drop of water compared to her ocean of full power, once finished I was catching my breath for a bit whilst she giggled at me and said “you do know my limiter was removed didn’t you?” I looked at her and said “wait, they removed it completely?!” she smiled and said “whilst you were teleporting here, there and everywhere God called up and said “as long as you obey the angel code that is imprinted in to your mind I can keep the limiter off me.

Later that evening as we sat down, I looked to Uriel and asked “if you don’t mind me asking, what religion is the right one?” Uriel smiled and said “they all are a path to heaven but only if you do not break the Ten Commandments.” I then went on to ask “do you have any other relatives in heaven?” Uriel sighed and said “just one, her name is Aleksandra, I am just hoping she doesn’t figure out I am here, otherwise she will want to move in with me.” I laughed a bit and said “that doesn’t seem so bad, it’s better than Mary living here.”

The next day I awoke and felt my wing covering my body, at first I jumped to the sight of it but remembered all of what happened yesterday, Uriel then leaned in and said “are you ok Louise, I heard you scream?” I sat up and said “yeah, sorry about that I am just not used to having a giant white wing sticking out of my back.” Uriel laughed and said “it is a shock at first, but after a few days they will grow on you.” As I got up, I couldn’t help but notice that neither of us had a halo over our heads, even though we were angels, I walked in to the living area and said to Uriel “if you don’t mind me asking, where is your halo?” she looked to me and said “a halo? No one has them, we never have.”

After breakfast I looked to Uriel and said “ok you’re probably sick of all these questions but just one more.” Uriel smiled and said, “I’m not bothered by the questions at all Louise, you need to ask questions in order to learn.” I smiled and said “so flight, is it possible with a one winged angel?” Uriel sprouted her wings and said “there is only one way to find out, you have to spread your wing and fly my dear.”
Hey all, I am sorry its been a while but I always keep to my promises and I promised to keep going no matter what also a huge thank you to :icondemastero: who made the cover image for me please check out his artwork, it is one of a kind in my opinion
© 2013 - 2024 LittleMissTG
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Imsolikeconfusedlike's avatar
:star::star::star-empty::star-empty: Overall
:star::star::star::star-empty::star-empty: Vision
:star::star::star-half::star-empty::star-empty: Originality
:star::star-half::star-empty::star-empty::star-empty: Technique
:star::star::star-half::star-empty::star-empty: Impact

I like this piece, don't get me wrong.

Your grammar... well it isn't very good if you want the honest truth. You have never ending quotes, quotes that are paraphrased which don't need quotation marks, and you have no capital letters where there should be capital letters.

Suspended animation is brought upon by external forces - so I don't think that is what you are aiming for. Also, since Uriel is a statue, how would this person, by themselves, be able to move it around? Statues aren't very light you know.

You should have commas around parenthetic expressions (if you don't know what this is, Google it).

All your characters have the same voice - which can be incredibly annoying and ruin a perfectly good story. (They seem to talk in the exact same way).

You repeat words and phrases too often. The word "said" is repeated 37 times! "Uriel" is repeated 34 times! Change it so we know who is speaking without explicitly telling us they are speaking. You said "a bit" quite a few times as well.

Every time a new person speaks, make it a new line. It's just how grammar and style work.

You have three adverbs - maybe throw in a couple more?

It is mostly written in passive voice. Short stories and novels are mainly written in a strong and active voice to allow the reader to power through the story more easy.

The hyphen is your friend! "angels-in-waiting" "Anti-demon"

Your tense is good! Hoorah!

Clichés. Get rid of "cut to the chase" and change it to something more interesting and fun.

"ok" is meant to be "o.k." as it is an abbreviation of okay.

You just skip over the most interesting parts! No! (Dramatic pause). Tell us HOW she learns to teleport. Tell us the reaction to them nearly dying because of the truck. You can't be just like, "oh yes, I nearly died today when a truck almost ran me over. But you know, no biggy! Happens all the time." See what I mean? It just doesn't make any logic sense.

So now... let's get down to sentences! (Yay! *Squeal of excitement!) There are two types of sentences. The first, a short sentence, which builds tension, pace and brings you to a climax. And then there is the long sentence, which is an explanation sentence of what just happened.

You pretty much just have long, exhausted and windy sentences that just seem to go on forever. This can become incredibly boring to readers. Maybe change some of them so they can build a little bit of tension.

Here's an example.

"After a few hours of training and recovering we both went down to the outside of the building complex and Uriel began to cast a spell to remove the pentagram on the side of the apartment complex and make a anti demon barrier around the entire complex, as she did I tried to help by transferring my power to her to give her a small boost, but my power was only a drop of water compared to her ocean of full power, once finished I was catching my breath for a bit whilst she giggled at me and said “you do know my limiter was removed didn’t you?” I looked at her and said “wait, they removed it completely?!” she smiled and said “whilst you were teleporting here, there and everywhere God called up and said “as long as you obey the angel code that is imprinted in to your mind I can keep the limiter off me."

Not a single full stop until the very end. It's just a horrible sentence/paragraph.
A paragraph should have at least 4-8 sentences in it. There are some exceptions to this rule, but I can see none in your piece at the moment.

*As a side note, just to give you some clarification about me, I am a Creative Writing major at University. I do advanced editing classes. So don't feel bad when you read this!

I hope I have helped you with your writing!
All the best,
Shannon